So lets go back to dealing with Cancer. I am coming to realize that once you have it, you are never done with it. It took a while to realize that the most important life saving choice I had to make was to have a double mastectomy. Not an easy decision to make but I eventually did. I think hearing my Dads voice as he described not wanting to worry about watching me die like he did when his brother died was what made me decided that this was a choice I had to make for my family. I wasn't allowed to be selfish on this. My kids needed to be able to know their mother was going to be here for them and my Dad would worry himself to death if I didn't. It was that suffocating unable to breathe feeling all over again. I looked down at my chest and couldn't even touch it. It wasn't mine. It would kill me if I left it and again the feelings of how unfair this was and why me came screaming to the front. Once I had decided I wanted it done. I needed it done. It was kind of like a cruel joke the longer I had to wait. Troy went out of town and I remember sitting in the living room with my laptop watching the procedure over and over again and I just sobbed till I had nothing left. Then I felt guilty for crying because what right did I have to feel bad, I was going to live. I felt ashamed that I was struggling so and this is a feeling I still have from time to time.
I never told anyone but part of me was afraid I wouldn't wake up from the surgery. That because of the affair and the heart ache that my body would decide it was done and I would just be gone. I was very nervous. I was also scared of how I would feel when I woke up and looked down. Would I still be me? My Dad flew in and I was grateful to have him. He gave me a half an ambien the night before because there was no way I could fall asleep.
When I came out of surgery, I was surprised. I realized at that moment the cancer was gone and instead of freaking out over being flat, I was grateful that for the first time since the diagnose I was free from the worry of dying. Its that feeling that I wish I could bottle up and give to all those that are given this breast cancer diagnosis.... the anguish and pain over loosing your breasts is almost forgotten when you realize that your battle to live is over. It is now a journey to love yourself and be proud of the fact that you choose to live.