So lets go back to dealing with Cancer. I am coming to realize that once you have it, you are never done with it. It took a while to realize that the most important life saving choice I had to make was to have a double mastectomy. Not an easy decision to make but I eventually did. I think hearing my Dads voice as he described not wanting to worry about watching me die like he did when his brother died was what made me decided that this was a choice I had to make for my family. I wasn't allowed to be selfish on this. My kids needed to be able to know their mother was going to be here for them and my Dad would worry himself to death if I didn't. It was that suffocating unable to breathe feeling all over again. I looked down at my chest and couldn't even touch it. It wasn't mine. It would kill me if I left it and again the feelings of how unfair this was and why me came screaming to the front. Once I had decided I wanted it done. I needed it done. It was kind of like a cruel joke the longer I had to wait. Troy went out of town and I remember sitting in the living room with my laptop watching the procedure over and over again and I just sobbed till I had nothing left. Then I felt guilty for crying because what right did I have to feel bad, I was going to live. I felt ashamed that I was struggling so and this is a feeling I still have from time to time.
I never told anyone but part of me was afraid I wouldn't wake up from the surgery. That because of the affair and the heart ache that my body would decide it was done and I would just be gone. I was very nervous. I was also scared of how I would feel when I woke up and looked down. Would I still be me? My Dad flew in and I was grateful to have him. He gave me a half an ambien the night before because there was no way I could fall asleep.
When I came out of surgery, I was surprised. I realized at that moment the cancer was gone and instead of freaking out over being flat, I was grateful that for the first time since the diagnose I was free from the worry of dying. Its that feeling that I wish I could bottle up and give to all those that are given this breast cancer diagnosis.... the anguish and pain over loosing your breasts is almost forgotten when you realize that your battle to live is over. It is now a journey to love yourself and be proud of the fact that you choose to live.

I have a drive to fix things. It has always been there. I don't like when people are hurting. My Mom use to give me a hard time because she said I was always trying to help the underdog. I don't think I have changed much. I hated Mega mind the first time I watched it... everyone was laughing but I was crying. I could feel his pain at not being accepted and I was upset to see him change because of it. Further on in the movie when she couldn't see the good in him and he was walking a way in the rain my heart was hurting. I believe their is good in everyone. I have a hard time believing that people choose to hurt each other on purpose. I cant stand when my kids pick on each other. I always tell them that there are going to be enough people outside our doors that are going to try and beat you down. In our home we build each other up. We protect each others feelings and make it safe to be who you want to be without fear of being made fun of or judged. This is still a work in progress as kids are kids and mine are no different. They compete with one another and they hurt each other when they feel like they don't matter. They are wonderful however and I love snuggling with them and laughing and listening to them play.

So going back to the begining. What is really me, what do I really like, what is really important. MUSIC lol It is really in my blood. I have a song in my head at all times. Music can make me cry, helps me when I am angry. I use to play the piano for hours at a time everyday. I was not the child you had to beg to practise. If I was angry, I played even longer. I love to sing. I can express my self in song so easy. You can gauge how much I trust a person by how much I am willing to sing in front of them. Church songs are easy, its the singing at the top of my lungs with all my heart and who cares if I am hitting it right or not that I am talking about. If I can do that in front of you... chances are that I trust you 100% I love listening to a sax. I knew a couple of guys growing up that could play a sax and make me feel warm all over :) That's probably when I first realized that Music is sexy too. I love a good trumpet too and I am not saying that because I use to play... or am I? :) Brass kicks Ass was my motto growing up. Jazz band, Marching band, all filled with great memories and highs that you can only get by performing in front of an audience and knowing you nailed it! Yes Music is definitely a big part of who I am, which makes me wonder why I stopped playing? When did that desire die? Or did I just pack it a way for a while because I am still singing and playing the stereo loud.
Camping and the outdoors. I love to be camping. I love it even more if we are up in the mountains and far from regular life. I love to listen to the wind in the trees (aspens are my favorite) water bubbling. My favorite trip was up in the Uintas Mountains. We went up after my senior year. It was beautiful. I have to laugh because I had a pack that weighed almost 100 pounds because I packed in ravioli and spaghetios for my dinners. It was an amazing trip. We hiked up to the continental divide and it started snowing! I remember feeling like I was blessed to be able to see such beauty and wanting to stay forever.
I had did stuff like that all the time for the next few years. In fact the one quarter I attended Utah State, I think I dragged Justin through Logan Cave three times and on numerous hikes through the canyon including one that I had an unfortunate run in with a deer fly that caused my hand to swell.
Sports, I was the only girl on the basketball league in New York. I played anyway because I loved it! Flag football, I couldnt wait for Thanksgiving because that meant a good game of flag football! Swimming, love the water. I am happy just floating. There is something soothing about being surrounded by water and watching the sun glisten off the top. My favorite thoush is the feeling when you dive down and swim across the bottom and then come up for air. When I was younger I would picture how it must feel if I was a dolphin and wouldnt it be great to jump out and come back down. Favorite water memory.... Living in New York at West Point and finally getting up the courage to jump off the 18 foot platform. It was amazing! Fall through the air and then hit the water. I spent the whole summer doing that. (black and blue arms because I would forget to keep them down) Do my children know that person? I hope so and if not I think they will by the time they are ready to leave.

Foundations, if you don't stand on firm ground you will fall every time. I thank my parents for giving me a foundation strong enough to make it through the storms. I don't think I have ever given them enough credit for my strength but it comes from the love that they gave me over and over. My Mom and I fought while I was growing up but I think that is because we were so strong headed. I don't like to budge. I am stubborn. Growing up I remember if I believed in something I would stand up for it no matter how hard it was or uncomfortable. I think I lost a little of that as I got older. I lost that fire that caused me to stand tall no matter what... I am not sure when it happened... I think it was gradual. You get married, and you become a couple you are no longer a separate being and then you have children and I live for my kids... they bring me such joy and they are my greatest accomplishment. I listen to songs about wanting to leave your mark on the world... I will be satisfied that my children, strong, healthy, full of life and giving love to families of their own will be all the mark I need to leave. I hope that I have built their foundation to be strong enough to keep them standing. I hope to be here long enough to help them if it cracks because that is truly the greatest purpose in life, giving of yourself to ensure the happiness of others and in doing so you find great joy and happiness for yourself.

Breast Cancer.... anything that has the word Cancer in it is awful. To have your Doctor come in and sit down across from you... you know somethings wrong. I can picture the room. I was sitting in the chair because I didn't want to be in the darn hospital bed anymore. Dr. Tucker is a very fun Doctor, he reminds me of a rock singer, but I could tell something heavy was coming. He put his hand on my knee and said, "darlin you have breast cancer." I couldn't breathe again... surely he had it wrong, did he just say breast cancer? I smiled and was very still but inside I was screaming, Hell NO! I can't have breast cancer, I can't! He went over some important stuff and then he left and I sat there silent tears rolling down my face trying to go through how he was going to come back in and tell me it was a mistake any minute. I wasn't alone, Troy was there but because of the timing with everything else that was going on I felt like I was in Siberia. Not a soul around. I then realized I was going to have tell my Mom and Dad and that was just as horrible to me as the diagnosis. How do you call and tell your parents you have cancer? Parents that already have a son who has dealt with ms most of his life. Parents that love you as much as you love your children so you know what this phone call is going to do to them.
Not a fun phone call. So much emotion to process, so many things to deal with.... Yes I think these to major events caused a shift that I want to explore and understand.

So what was the first big event to cause a shift? I have two greatest fears in life (a side from being bit by a snake) and they are that my husband has an affair and that I would have breast cancer. I was the grand prize winner and received both! Lets talk about the affair first. This isn't a need to discuss what a jerk he was or slam on him in anyway because I have come to realize that he is human and his emotional needs are very real and important to him. I am not by any means excusing what he did but I am saying I have come to deal with it and now I am using it to reflect on how it changed me for both the good and the bad. At first it was like someone had ripped me open, I couldn't breathe. The strangest part of all was needing to be held and wanting so badly to close my eyes and have it all just disappear. The hardest part is you have this heart stopping pain you are trying to deal with but you have to act like all is well because you have children and friends that you need to go on for. Now add to that, I tend to take things harder then most people. (I cried for days when Steve Irwin died and Princess Dianna) It was a really hard few weeks. I think the hardest thing to get over and finally come to understand was that there wasn't something wrong with me. I spent hours going over all the information, wanting more trying to piece together where I went wrong and dying when he would give me reasons that cut at the very heart of who I thought I had been all this time. It was a nightmare. Worse yet was the thought that this was not something I had ever envisioned on dealing with and I had no idea where to start..... So basically totally chaos underneath but to everyone else I am dealing with it fine..... and then two months after finding out about the affair.... the doctor comes in to tell me I have breast cancer......

I don't remember what my first thought was.... funny when you try and push your memory to go back to the first thing you remember it seems to be a bunch of bits and pieces and not necessarily in the right order I would imagine. There is a clear feeling however and that is happiness. Most of my early memories are happy. I do recall vividly how heart broken I was when our dog Tina died. I think I was five. She was a beautiful German Shepard. The neighbor had pushed the lawn mower into her area and she had gotten wrapped around it and choked to death because she was on a choke collar. (I abhor choke collars for this very reason) Aside from some of those moments, the overall feeling is happy. It really wasn't I think till I hit that lovely prepuberty aware of self image that those happy feelings became insecure and the need to fit attacked lol but then doesn't everyone go through that?
Why do I keep looking back over my child hood? Well I am searching for clues as to what makes me tick. I am pondering how I can be a certain way for almost 19 years and then suddenly there is a shift and I find that I am someone different. The question I have is am I different or did I suppress a lot of who I was because it didn't fit in with my marriage? Big question..... takes time to answer, but I am leaning towards all of our experience shape who we become and sometimes I think we do suppress certain parts of our personality or we stop believing in ourselves and start believing what those around us tell us and I do think we loose a piece of who we are. Not always a bad thing but sometimes you can loose some important parts. And that is where I am now... trying to figure out who I have become and how I got here. Most likely a boring read for anyone but me but hey I figure I might as well share my journey, it might help someone out there.