If you feel something strong enough to put it in written form, I think you need to be prepared for the affect those words may have because once they are down... you can't take them back. I think we all have moments where we are swept away in an emotion or a feeling and perhaps will say things that might be true in that moment but not necessarily how you feel all the time.
When emotions are raw then the words that are used between people dealing with those emotions hold a heavy weight... more so than perhaps if things weren't so raw. I just find it interesting upon refection, how powerful words can be. I think it is further interesting when people are surprised by the consequences of things they may say. I am challenging myself to be better at what I say and when... Is it really how I feel or am I running off of emotion that may change the next day? I find that I am guilty of that from time to time.
The words that hold the most weight for me right now, My kids expressions of Love. Yesterday, I had two of my boys come up and just hug me and say I love you mom. No reason for it, they just felt it. The love of your kids is such a natural high! Hearing them express it, even better.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Monday, February 4, 2013
I really had cancer.... wow
So its been almost a year and a half since I was diagnosed.... Some things have gotten better, some things are the same and I realize some things are never going to change. I will always have the scars, and I will always have a fear that it might come back. I will always cherish my life a little more than most and I will always feel a great sadness when someone looses their battle.
We all give ourselves labels... sometimes they are labels others give us and we just accept them and sometimes they are the ones we give ourselves because of who we think we are. You know the labels, Jock, Casanova, nerd, jerk, competitor, the list is endless. Some labels are positive, some negative. I know that for a huge part of my life, my chest was my label. It was usually the first thing people noticed and it was always something they would talk about. Breast Cancer kind of replaced that label, now I am a survivor. It has taken me along time to feel like I am allowed or worthy to even use that label. I actually owe my ability to see myself that way to one of my dearest friends who along the way has constantly reminded me that I did survive and that I did go through it.
You see and hear the stories of what people go through when they have cancer. The horrible sickness with chemo and radiation, the set backs, the hair loss, and sometimes the battle is lost. I have a hard time even telling my story really because it seemed to happen so fast and because it was a double mastectomy I didn't have to go through the radiation and chemo so I feel like I cheated. When I force myself to relive it, I know it was far from cheating, it was hell and it hurt and it almost broke me but I still cant shake the feeling that I got off easy compared to some. Anyone out there feel that way? Maybe it is just the fixer in me.... I want to help everyone and I have never felt that I deserved to turn that inward? Deep thoughts lol I sometimes think I am just like that dog in the movie... totally attentive and then Squirrel! My mind works that way, too many tracks running at one time and they are all fighting for their spot in the lime light lol
So a year from my last post I can say, I had cancer, I say it softly but I say it and I am a survivor and it means that I am strong and I have to think that if I can survive that I can pretty much do whatever I put my mind to right? I hope so because I am only 40 and I am pretty sure I have a whole lot of living left to do!
We all give ourselves labels... sometimes they are labels others give us and we just accept them and sometimes they are the ones we give ourselves because of who we think we are. You know the labels, Jock, Casanova, nerd, jerk, competitor, the list is endless. Some labels are positive, some negative. I know that for a huge part of my life, my chest was my label. It was usually the first thing people noticed and it was always something they would talk about. Breast Cancer kind of replaced that label, now I am a survivor. It has taken me along time to feel like I am allowed or worthy to even use that label. I actually owe my ability to see myself that way to one of my dearest friends who along the way has constantly reminded me that I did survive and that I did go through it.
You see and hear the stories of what people go through when they have cancer. The horrible sickness with chemo and radiation, the set backs, the hair loss, and sometimes the battle is lost. I have a hard time even telling my story really because it seemed to happen so fast and because it was a double mastectomy I didn't have to go through the radiation and chemo so I feel like I cheated. When I force myself to relive it, I know it was far from cheating, it was hell and it hurt and it almost broke me but I still cant shake the feeling that I got off easy compared to some. Anyone out there feel that way? Maybe it is just the fixer in me.... I want to help everyone and I have never felt that I deserved to turn that inward? Deep thoughts lol I sometimes think I am just like that dog in the movie... totally attentive and then Squirrel! My mind works that way, too many tracks running at one time and they are all fighting for their spot in the lime light lol
So a year from my last post I can say, I had cancer, I say it softly but I say it and I am a survivor and it means that I am strong and I have to think that if I can survive that I can pretty much do whatever I put my mind to right? I hope so because I am only 40 and I am pretty sure I have a whole lot of living left to do!
Body image
So there's the saying that it is what is on the inside and not the outside that counts.... that holds true for a lot of things but I think the honest answer is that the outside is what gets you through the door at times. I have been on both sides of the coin. I think at my heaviest I was somewhere over 300 pounds... not something I would have ever imagined back when I was a nice 135... which incidentally at the time I thought was tragic... I wanted to be 110 lol
Personality can get you far but in the end how you feel about how you look will get your further... What I mean by that is self confidence is powerful.... and to be confident you have to really be comfortable with who you are and own it. Now last year I had actually started to feel that way about myself and if felt so good... I kind of did a huge backslide while working through therapy however and that was not so good.
A healthy body and self confidence is mental and emotional battle that I am determined to win for myself and for my kids. Body, confidence, emotions, they are all connected. Emotions are so powerful, they can make or break you. Despair can be so deep that you forget to breath and find yourself unable to move, anger can push you to have the strength and energy to run farther and harder than you normally could, joy and happiness however are stronger than both. They allow you to have a positive energy that not only keeps you going strong but infects those around you. Your vision of yourself is also affected by your emotions, it can mean the difference between looking in the mirror and seeing something beautiful with lots of potential or seeing all the scars and reminding yourself of the things that you are missing.
So I am striving to fill my life with activities that are going to shape my body into what I think will be a more attractive and healthy me. I love working out. I love when your lungs have that burnt feeling from breathing hard during a good cardio work out. I love when the muscles are burning and the sweat is coming down so hard your eyes sting. I am forcing myself to eat differently and believe me that is harder than the exercise... I hate broccoli!
The cool thing I am finding is that even though it is going to take a while for me to achieve my fitness goal, my self confidence is growing. If you could bottle self confidence and sale it... man I would be rich! Self confidence means success in most things and it also means trying things you wouldn't normally think you could do but mostly it means happiness... and that is after all what I want more than anything... to be happy!
Personality can get you far but in the end how you feel about how you look will get your further... What I mean by that is self confidence is powerful.... and to be confident you have to really be comfortable with who you are and own it. Now last year I had actually started to feel that way about myself and if felt so good... I kind of did a huge backslide while working through therapy however and that was not so good.
A healthy body and self confidence is mental and emotional battle that I am determined to win for myself and for my kids. Body, confidence, emotions, they are all connected. Emotions are so powerful, they can make or break you. Despair can be so deep that you forget to breath and find yourself unable to move, anger can push you to have the strength and energy to run farther and harder than you normally could, joy and happiness however are stronger than both. They allow you to have a positive energy that not only keeps you going strong but infects those around you. Your vision of yourself is also affected by your emotions, it can mean the difference between looking in the mirror and seeing something beautiful with lots of potential or seeing all the scars and reminding yourself of the things that you are missing.
So I am striving to fill my life with activities that are going to shape my body into what I think will be a more attractive and healthy me. I love working out. I love when your lungs have that burnt feeling from breathing hard during a good cardio work out. I love when the muscles are burning and the sweat is coming down so hard your eyes sting. I am forcing myself to eat differently and believe me that is harder than the exercise... I hate broccoli!
The cool thing I am finding is that even though it is going to take a while for me to achieve my fitness goal, my self confidence is growing. If you could bottle self confidence and sale it... man I would be rich! Self confidence means success in most things and it also means trying things you wouldn't normally think you could do but mostly it means happiness... and that is after all what I want more than anything... to be happy!
Starting over again
It's almost been a year since my last post. I went out to Utah following that last post, and when I came back, Troy wanted to keep trying. I said ok and put all my energy into that and everything else including my blog went to the way side. Did it work? No but I learned some important things along the way. Do I regret trying, no. To walk away from someone you love so deep you need to be sure that you have tried everything you can and I am slowly getting there. It's hard to let go when you love so hard. What did I learn... Anger is very damaging.. both to you and the one that you are angry with. I regret that while we were trying to make this work that the anger over his love and attachment for another woman made it impossible for me to hear him from soft place. What does that mean? To really hear someone you have to have a soft heart. It has to be open and and mine wasn't really, it was hard because of the hurt. You learn alot about yourself when you go to therapy... some of it good, some of it not so good. I think in our case though therapy couldn't help because it is one person listening to two people tell two different stories of the same day and they both know they are right.... Some where in the middle is where the truth lies and it is just too hard to determine unless you know both people really well. What she could tell was that Troy and do love each other but I am learning that there are so many levels of love and that love is just not enough sometimes....
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