Foundations, if you don't stand on firm ground you will fall every time. I thank my parents for giving me a foundation strong enough to make it through the storms. I don't think I have ever given them enough credit for my strength but it comes from the love that they gave me over and over. My Mom and I fought while I was growing up but I think that is because we were so strong headed. I don't like to budge. I am stubborn. Growing up I remember if I believed in something I would stand up for it no matter how hard it was or uncomfortable. I think I lost a little of that as I got older. I lost that fire that caused me to stand tall no matter what... I am not sure when it happened... I think it was gradual. You get married, and you become a couple you are no longer a separate being and then you have children and I live for my kids... they bring me such joy and they are my greatest accomplishment. I listen to songs about wanting to leave your mark on the world... I will be satisfied that my children, strong, healthy, full of life and giving love to families of their own will be all the mark I need to leave. I hope that I have built their foundation to be strong enough to keep them standing. I hope to be here long enough to help them if it cracks because that is truly the greatest purpose in life, giving of yourself to ensure the happiness of others and in doing so you find great joy and happiness for yourself.

Breast Cancer.... anything that has the word Cancer in it is awful. To have your Doctor come in and sit down across from you... you know somethings wrong. I can picture the room. I was sitting in the chair because I didn't want to be in the darn hospital bed anymore. Dr. Tucker is a very fun Doctor, he reminds me of a rock singer, but I could tell something heavy was coming. He put his hand on my knee and said, "darlin you have breast cancer." I couldn't breathe again... surely he had it wrong, did he just say breast cancer? I smiled and was very still but inside I was screaming, Hell NO! I can't have breast cancer, I can't! He went over some important stuff and then he left and I sat there silent tears rolling down my face trying to go through how he was going to come back in and tell me it was a mistake any minute. I wasn't alone, Troy was there but because of the timing with everything else that was going on I felt like I was in Siberia. Not a soul around. I then realized I was going to have tell my Mom and Dad and that was just as horrible to me as the diagnosis. How do you call and tell your parents you have cancer? Parents that already have a son who has dealt with ms most of his life. Parents that love you as much as you love your children so you know what this phone call is going to do to them.
Not a fun phone call. So much emotion to process, so many things to deal with.... Yes I think these to major events caused a shift that I want to explore and understand.

So what was the first big event to cause a shift? I have two greatest fears in life (a side from being bit by a snake) and they are that my husband has an affair and that I would have breast cancer. I was the grand prize winner and received both! Lets talk about the affair first. This isn't a need to discuss what a jerk he was or slam on him in anyway because I have come to realize that he is human and his emotional needs are very real and important to him. I am not by any means excusing what he did but I am saying I have come to deal with it and now I am using it to reflect on how it changed me for both the good and the bad. At first it was like someone had ripped me open, I couldn't breathe. The strangest part of all was needing to be held and wanting so badly to close my eyes and have it all just disappear. The hardest part is you have this heart stopping pain you are trying to deal with but you have to act like all is well because you have children and friends that you need to go on for. Now add to that, I tend to take things harder then most people. (I cried for days when Steve Irwin died and Princess Dianna) It was a really hard few weeks. I think the hardest thing to get over and finally come to understand was that there wasn't something wrong with me. I spent hours going over all the information, wanting more trying to piece together where I went wrong and dying when he would give me reasons that cut at the very heart of who I thought I had been all this time. It was a nightmare. Worse yet was the thought that this was not something I had ever envisioned on dealing with and I had no idea where to start..... So basically totally chaos underneath but to everyone else I am dealing with it fine..... and then two months after finding out about the affair.... the doctor comes in to tell me I have breast cancer......

I don't remember what my first thought was.... funny when you try and push your memory to go back to the first thing you remember it seems to be a bunch of bits and pieces and not necessarily in the right order I would imagine. There is a clear feeling however and that is happiness. Most of my early memories are happy. I do recall vividly how heart broken I was when our dog Tina died. I think I was five. She was a beautiful German Shepard. The neighbor had pushed the lawn mower into her area and she had gotten wrapped around it and choked to death because she was on a choke collar. (I abhor choke collars for this very reason) Aside from some of those moments, the overall feeling is happy. It really wasn't I think till I hit that lovely prepuberty aware of self image that those happy feelings became insecure and the need to fit attacked lol but then doesn't everyone go through that?
Why do I keep looking back over my child hood? Well I am searching for clues as to what makes me tick. I am pondering how I can be a certain way for almost 19 years and then suddenly there is a shift and I find that I am someone different. The question I have is am I different or did I suppress a lot of who I was because it didn't fit in with my marriage? Big question..... takes time to answer, but I am leaning towards all of our experience shape who we become and sometimes I think we do suppress certain parts of our personality or we stop believing in ourselves and start believing what those around us tell us and I do think we loose a piece of who we are. Not always a bad thing but sometimes you can loose some important parts. And that is where I am now... trying to figure out who I have become and how I got here. Most likely a boring read for anyone but me but hey I figure I might as well share my journey, it might help someone out there.