I don't remember what my first thought was.... funny when you try and push your memory to go back to the first thing you remember it seems to be a bunch of bits and pieces and not necessarily in the right order I would imagine. There is a clear feeling however and that is happiness. Most of my early memories are happy. I do recall vividly how heart broken I was when our dog Tina died. I think I was five. She was a beautiful German Shepard. The neighbor had pushed the lawn mower into her area and she had gotten wrapped around it and choked to death because she was on a choke collar. (I abhor choke collars for this very reason) Aside from some of those moments, the overall feeling is happy. It really wasn't I think till I hit that lovely prepuberty aware of self image that those happy feelings became insecure and the need to fit attacked lol but then doesn't everyone go through that?
Why do I keep looking back over my child hood? Well I am searching for clues as to what makes me tick. I am pondering how I can be a certain way for almost 19 years and then suddenly there is a shift and I find that I am someone different. The question I have is am I different or did I suppress a lot of who I was because it didn't fit in with my marriage? Big question..... takes time to answer, but I am leaning towards all of our experience shape who we become and sometimes I think we do suppress certain parts of our personality or we stop believing in ourselves and start believing what those around us tell us and I do think we loose a piece of who we are. Not always a bad thing but sometimes you can loose some important parts. And that is where I am now... trying to figure out who I have become and how I got here. Most likely a boring read for anyone but me but hey I figure I might as well share my journey, it might help someone out there.