Words are powerful

If you feel something strong enough to put it in written form, I think you need to be prepared for the affect those words may have because once they are down... you can't take them back.  I think we all have moments where we are swept away in an emotion or a feeling and perhaps will say things that might be true in that moment but not necessarily how you feel all the time. 

When emotions are raw then the words that are used between people dealing with those emotions hold a heavy weight... more so than perhaps if things weren't so raw.  I just find it interesting upon refection,  how powerful words can be.  I think it is further interesting when people are surprised by the consequences of things they may say.  I am challenging myself to be better at what I say and when... Is it really how I feel or am I running off of emotion that may change the next day?  I find that I am guilty of that from time to time.

The words that hold the most weight for me right now, My kids expressions of Love.  Yesterday, I had two of my boys come up and just hug me and say I love you mom.  No reason for it, they just felt it.  The love of your kids is such a natural high!  Hearing them express it, even better. 

I really had cancer.... wow

So its been almost a year and a half since I was diagnosed.... Some things have gotten better, some things are the same and I realize some things are never going to change.  I will always have the scars, and I will always have a fear that it might come back.  I will always cherish my life a little more than most and I will always feel a great sadness when someone looses their battle. 
We all give ourselves labels... sometimes they are labels others give us and we just accept them and sometimes they are the ones we give ourselves because of who we think we are.  You know the labels, Jock, Casanova, nerd, jerk, competitor, the list is endless.  Some labels are positive, some negative.  I know that for a huge part of my life, my chest was my label.  It was usually the first thing people noticed and it was always something they would talk about.  Breast Cancer kind of replaced that label, now I am a survivor.  It has taken me along time to feel like I am allowed or worthy to even use that label.  I actually owe my ability to see myself that way to one of my dearest friends who along the way has constantly reminded me that I did survive and that I did go through it.  
You see and hear the stories of what people go through when they have cancer.  The horrible sickness with chemo and radiation, the set backs, the hair loss, and sometimes the battle is lost.  I have a hard time even telling my story really because it seemed to happen so fast and because it was a double mastectomy I didn't have to go through the radiation and chemo so I feel like I cheated.  When I force myself to relive it, I know it was far from cheating, it was hell and it hurt and it almost broke me but I still cant shake the feeling that I got off easy compared to some.  Anyone out there feel that way?  Maybe it is just the fixer in me.... I want to help everyone and I have never felt that I deserved to turn that inward?  Deep thoughts lol I sometimes think I am just like that dog in the movie... totally attentive and then Squirrel!  My mind works that way, too many tracks running at one time and they are all fighting for their spot in the lime light lol
So a year from my last post I can say, I had cancer, I say it softly but I say it and I am a survivor and it means that I am strong and I have to think that if I can survive that I can pretty much do whatever I put my mind to right?  I hope so because I am only 40 and I am pretty sure I have a whole lot of living left to do!

Body image

So there's the saying that it is what is on the inside and not the outside that counts.... that holds true for a lot of things but I think the honest answer is that the outside is what gets you through the door at times.  I have been on both sides of the coin.  I think at my heaviest I was somewhere over 300 pounds... not something I would have ever imagined back when I was a nice 135... which incidentally at the time I thought was tragic... I wanted to be 110 lol
Personality can get you far but in the end how you feel about how you look will get your further... What I mean by that is self confidence is powerful.... and to be confident you have to really be comfortable with who you are and own it.  Now last year I had actually started to feel that way about myself and if felt so good... I kind of did a huge backslide while working through therapy however and that was not so good. 
A healthy body and self confidence is mental and emotional battle that I am determined to win for myself and for my kids.  Body, confidence, emotions, they are all connected.  Emotions are so powerful, they can make or break you.  Despair can be so deep that you forget to breath and find yourself unable to move, anger can push you to have the strength and energy to run farther and harder than you normally could, joy and happiness however are stronger than both.  They allow you to have a positive energy that not only keeps you going strong but infects those around you.  Your vision of yourself is also affected by your emotions, it can mean the difference between looking in the mirror and seeing something beautiful with lots of potential or seeing all the scars and reminding yourself of the things that you are missing.
So I am striving to fill my life with activities that are going to shape my body into what I think will be a more attractive and healthy me.  I love working out.  I love when your lungs have that burnt feeling from breathing hard during a good cardio work out.  I love when the muscles are burning and the sweat is coming down so hard your eyes sting.  I am forcing myself to eat differently and believe me that is harder than the exercise... I hate broccoli! 
The cool thing I am finding is that even though it is going to take a while for me to achieve my fitness goal, my self confidence is growing.  If you could bottle self confidence and sale it... man I would be rich!  Self confidence means success in most things and it also means trying things you wouldn't normally think you could do but mostly it means happiness... and that is after all what I want more than anything... to be happy!

Starting over again

It's almost been a year since my last post.  I went out to Utah following that last post, and when I came back, Troy wanted to keep trying.  I said ok and put all my energy into that and everything else including my blog went to the way side.  Did it work?  No but I learned some important things along the way.  Do I regret trying, no.  To walk away from someone you love so deep you need to be sure that you have tried everything you can and I am slowly getting there.  It's hard to let go when you love so hard.  What did I learn... Anger is very damaging.. both to you and the one that you are angry with.  I regret that while we were trying to make this work that the anger over his love and attachment for another woman made it impossible for me to hear him from soft place.  What does that mean?  To really hear someone you have to have a soft heart.  It has to be open and and mine wasn't really, it was hard because of the hurt.  You learn alot about yourself when you go to therapy... some of it good, some of it not so good. I think in our case though therapy couldn't help because it is one person listening to two people tell two different stories of the same day and they both know they are right.... Some where in the middle is where the truth lies and it is just too hard to determine unless you know both people really well.  What she could tell was that Troy and do love each other but I am learning that there are so many levels of love and that love is just not enough sometimes....

So lets go back to dealing with Cancer. I am coming to realize that once you have it, you are never done with it. It took a while to realize that the most important life saving choice I had to make was to have a double mastectomy. Not an easy decision to make but I eventually did. I think hearing my Dads voice as he described not wanting to worry about watching me die like he did when his brother died was what made me decided that this was a choice I had to make for my family. I wasn't allowed to be selfish on this. My kids needed to be able to know their mother was going to be here for them and my Dad would worry himself to death if I didn't. It was that suffocating unable to breathe feeling all over again. I looked down at my chest and couldn't even touch it. It wasn't mine. It would kill me if I left it and again the feelings of how unfair this was and why me came screaming to the front. Once I had decided I wanted it done. I needed it done. It was kind of like a cruel joke the longer I had to wait. Troy went out of town and I remember sitting in the living room with my laptop watching the procedure over and over again and I just sobbed till I had nothing left. Then I felt guilty for crying because what right did I have to feel bad, I was going to live. I felt ashamed that I was struggling so and this is a feeling I still have from time to time.
I never told anyone but part of me was afraid I wouldn't wake up from the surgery. That because of the affair and the heart ache that my body would decide it was done and I would just be gone. I was very nervous. I was also scared of how I would feel when I woke up and looked down. Would I still be me? My Dad flew in and I was grateful to have him. He gave me a half an ambien the night before because there was no way I could fall asleep.
When I came out of surgery, I was surprised. I realized at that moment the cancer was gone and instead of freaking out over being flat, I was grateful that for the first time since the diagnose I was free from the worry of dying. Its that feeling that I wish I could bottle up and give to all those that are given this breast cancer diagnosis.... the anguish and pain over loosing your breasts is almost forgotten when you realize that your battle to live is over. It is now a journey to love yourself and be proud of the fact that you choose to live.

I have a drive to fix things. It has always been there. I don't like when people are hurting. My Mom use to give me a hard time because she said I was always trying to help the underdog. I don't think I have changed much. I hated Mega mind the first time I watched it... everyone was laughing but I was crying. I could feel his pain at not being accepted and I was upset to see him change because of it. Further on in the movie when she couldn't see the good in him and he was walking a way in the rain my heart was hurting. I believe their is good in everyone. I have a hard time believing that people choose to hurt each other on purpose. I cant stand when my kids pick on each other. I always tell them that there are going to be enough people outside our doors that are going to try and beat you down. In our home we build each other up. We protect each others feelings and make it safe to be who you want to be without fear of being made fun of or judged. This is still a work in progress as kids are kids and mine are no different. They compete with one another and they hurt each other when they feel like they don't matter. They are wonderful however and I love snuggling with them and laughing and listening to them play.

So going back to the begining. What is really me, what do I really like, what is really important. MUSIC lol It is really in my blood. I have a song in my head at all times. Music can make me cry, helps me when I am angry. I use to play the piano for hours at a time everyday. I was not the child you had to beg to practise. If I was angry, I played even longer. I love to sing. I can express my self in song so easy. You can gauge how much I trust a person by how much I am willing to sing in front of them. Church songs are easy, its the singing at the top of my lungs with all my heart and who cares if I am hitting it right or not that I am talking about. If I can do that in front of you... chances are that I trust you 100% I love listening to a sax. I knew a couple of guys growing up that could play a sax and make me feel warm all over :) That's probably when I first realized that Music is sexy too. I love a good trumpet too and I am not saying that because I use to play... or am I? :) Brass kicks Ass was my motto growing up. Jazz band, Marching band, all filled with great memories and highs that you can only get by performing in front of an audience and knowing you nailed it! Yes Music is definitely a big part of who I am, which makes me wonder why I stopped playing? When did that desire die? Or did I just pack it a way for a while because I am still singing and playing the stereo loud.
Camping and the outdoors. I love to be camping. I love it even more if we are up in the mountains and far from regular life. I love to listen to the wind in the trees (aspens are my favorite) water bubbling. My favorite trip was up in the Uintas Mountains. We went up after my senior year. It was beautiful. I have to laugh because I had a pack that weighed almost 100 pounds because I packed in ravioli and spaghetios for my dinners. It was an amazing trip. We hiked up to the continental divide and it started snowing! I remember feeling like I was blessed to be able to see such beauty and wanting to stay forever.
I had did stuff like that all the time for the next few years. In fact the one quarter I attended Utah State, I think I dragged Justin through Logan Cave three times and on numerous hikes through the canyon including one that I had an unfortunate run in with a deer fly that caused my hand to swell.
Sports, I was the only girl on the basketball league in New York. I played anyway because I loved it! Flag football, I couldnt wait for Thanksgiving because that meant a good game of flag football! Swimming, love the water. I am happy just floating. There is something soothing about being surrounded by water and watching the sun glisten off the top. My favorite thoush is the feeling when you dive down and swim across the bottom and then come up for air. When I was younger I would picture how it must feel if I was a dolphin and wouldnt it be great to jump out and come back down. Favorite water memory.... Living in New York at West Point and finally getting up the courage to jump off the 18 foot platform. It was amazing! Fall through the air and then hit the water. I spent the whole summer doing that. (black and blue arms because I would forget to keep them down) Do my children know that person? I hope so and if not I think they will by the time they are ready to leave.